Director: Alan Parker
Entertainment grade: D
History grade: E+
Eva Duarte, known affectionately as Evita, was an actress who married Colonel Juan Perón and became First Lady of Argentina. She went on to oversee the ministries of labour, social welfare and health, eventually becoming her husband's vice-president. He gave her the title of Spiritual Leader of the Nation in 1952, a few months before her death from cancer at the age of just 33.
Society
The film opens with public mourning after Evita's death. In a stableyard, sepia-toned workers dance a tango of sorrow. Later, there will also be a tango of sexual discovery in a milonga, and a tango of political rivalry amid swaying sides of beef in an abbatoir. Add in a polo match, which the film does, and you've nearly got a full checklist of Argentina-related clichés. The only thing missing is football.
Casting
Madonna certainly has the iconic status to play Evita as a political leader. The problem is that, at 38, she has to spend the first half hour playing her as a 15-year-old girl. You're supposed to think her 36-year-old lover, Agustín Magaldi, is a sleazy old paedo. But they look about the same age – making their relationship unproblematic, as long as you can get past the fact that he is played by Jimmy Nail from Auf Wiedersehen, Pet. In any case, the real Eva probably didn't have a relationship with Magaldi.
Dialogue
Magaldi sings Eva a song about how hard life will be for her in Buenos Aires, where you have to be middle class to get on. "Screw the middle classes!" she trills, a capella. "I will never accept them!" That would be foreshadowing. Tim Rice's lyrics get dafter still with The Lady's Got Potential, a song describing Eva as "the greatest social climber since Cinderella" because she knew "the right fella to be stellar." It then recounts the 1943 military coup and Juan Perón's emergence mostly by using the words "kapow, die". Actually, that's fair enough.
People
In the background lurks Che Guevara (Antonio Banderas), Evita's creepy stalker, turning up at various points in her life to make catty remarks and remind her of her impending death. In real life, the two never met, though the young Guevara did once write Evita a letter asking her to buy him a jeep. It was a joke. Probably you had to be there.
Politics
At a benefit gig for victims of the earthquake of 1944, Eva meets Juan Perón. There's an immediate attraction, and they get together that same night. Right so far, but it all deteriorates when Eva's rise to power is reduced to a makeover: "The people, they need to adore me! So Christian Dior me!" Not much here about her support of the campaign for women's suffrage, her creation of the Female Peronist Party, her work in government, or even the dubious rumours of her links to fascist regimes. No, apparently it was all just hats and lipstick.
Death
People are getting beaten up by the army outside a cathedral while Eva prays inside. "Why try to run a country when you can become a saint?" sneers Banderas. That's a bit rich coming from Che Guevara: how many people wearing Che t-shirts can list his achievements as president of the National Bank of Cuba? Meanwhile, Eva starts looking a bit peaky and eventually, to the audience's relief, Argentina does get to cry for her.
Verdict
It's pretty weird to imply chemistry between Che Guevara and Eva Perón, but at least that is obviously fictional. Far worse are the tissue-thin characterisations of Evita as a famous lady who liked dresses, and of Che as a grumpy man who was a bit cross with stuff. Picture-perfect sets and costumes aside, there's not much to redeem this superficial biopic. Kapow, die.